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Exodar Mission to Stormwind Logbook
The following was posted to the Hand Of Argus central mission data collection system and has been translated from the original Draenish excepting where no polite common translation exists. The translator has done his best to maintain the tone of the original missive. =April 18 = ----- GNOMES ARE THE MOST ANNOYING RACE IN THE UNIVERSE. I make this assertion despite not having met every race in the universe, simply because it is not possible for me to conceive of a race that is more annoying. I have met and fought with Man'ari Eredar and can say with some confidence that, while the Eredar are more dangerous, at least they do not waste your time with foolishness before attempting to kill you. I have come to this conclusion due to the interference of one of these creatures during my contribution to Operation Yeltsin last night translator's note: 'Yeltsin' is a Draenish term meaning 'fat, drunken oaf']. I delivered my report to our Cenarion Circle liaison and began the Operation, but was consistently interrupted by one such gnome referring to himself by some УЖАСНЫЙ ridiculous name with five parts. 'Fizzlepocket Ricardo Montalban Tweek' or something of the like. The gnome spent the entire time futilely, and loudly, attempting to engage in sexual relations with a human woman sitting by my position, despite her obvious disinclination to do so. At one point he ran off and returned covered with various kinds of Azeroth-creature blood, apparently thinking this would make him more attractive to her. He also attempted to engage in relations with other females entering and exiting the establishment, leading me to believe that his is a race of man-НЕРЯХА. The situation only devolved when another such gnome entered the establishment and apparently asserted his territorial rights to the human female in question. Despite our indoor surroundings, and despite my obvious desire for a quiet drink, heated words were exchanged loudly and the two gnomes engaged in what I can only describe as a dominance ritual. Magic and shots from one of these Azerothian rifles were exchanged, to no apparent reaction from the female in question. Eventually, the antics of these gnomes led to setting fire of the establishment, forcing an evacuation and the destruction of much alcohol. As I say. Very. ЧЕРТОВСКИ. Annoying. I must now locate a new establishment for practice of Operation Yeltsin in the Stormwind Sector. Am requesting permission to attack gnomes on sight, or at least on their opening their mouths. Denied-- Vindicator Boros In all other aspects, Operation Yeltsin proceeds apace, though with some investment of effort required. That which the humans call 'beer' is much closer to water and thus not ideal for this task. Dwarf Ale is more suitable for the job, but also has approximate consistency and density of liquid bread, making it difficult to consume in sufficient quantity. Moonberry Wine is effective, but not readily available on my expense account (perhaps an increase of such would be in order?) Denied-- Vindicator Boros. For the moment, I have been persuading barkeeps in establishments in Stormwind City and the Human settlements of Goldshire and Darkshire to stock supplies of Karabos Vodka, to some success, and this is of course very suitable for the task. Already I have convinced a number of Stormwind citizens of my inability to remain conscious under influence and have as such through incautious utterings uncovered a number of intriguing leads to investigate, including the apparent existence of a Gnomish Black Market and a coven of human warlocks below the Slaughtered Lamb tavern in Stormwind. I will continue my activities as needed. In related reports, I have some empirical evidence that the force of Gravity on Azeroth is stronger than on Draenor and that the Kingdom of Stormwind is home to carnivorous trees, as I saw one eat a succubus piece by piece last night. I will investigate further at a later date. In addition, I am unhappy to inform you that the hangover cure developed by Hand alchemists has proven woefully ineffective. In summary, gnomes are very irritating and criminal and more taverns in the Kingdom of Stormwind need to carry vodka. I will follow up when I have more to report. --Maimon Ben'Moshe, Agent of the Hand third class =April 19 = ----- REQUEST FOR TRANSFER. Comrade Vindicator: I must request transfer from this Light-forsaken city of sin. Goldshire is no place for good, Light-fearing folk. Not only do flags drop from the sky with alarming frequency, but elf females seem to lose the ability to keep their clothes on their persons when they enter the town. Additionally, it smells like cow and chicken dung in the office. If I cannot be transfered from this wasteland of morals, then I request Maimon be removed. Comrade Maimon is a menace to our tabard. He arrives much more drunk to work than is commonly acceptable and yesterday came cursing about gnomes and carnivorous trees. He claims Stormwind to be worse than Goldshire, which is obviously an untruth brought on by alcohol consumption and heat stroke. He obviously cannot be trusted in such a diplomatic posting and should be returned to the base immediately. Our operation cannot succeed under the rule of this poor example of our upstanding people. Also, please send vodka, Maimon has consumed it all. --Rothaa Fedorova, Agent of the Hand fourth class Denied - Vindicator Boros =May 7 = ----- Comrade Federova has truly and honestly made a mess of things. As I recall, I PLEADED with your excellency that if I had to be sent to this Light-Forsaken mission that I be allowed to choose an adjutant who demonstrated more worldliness and less flightiness in the face of a dashing night elf or a heroic human. Although your excellency does, of course, know best in most instances, this is, I believe, one instance in which my advice should have been heeded, as it appears that Comrade Federova has entered into a marriage arrangement with an owlbeast. I WISH that last sentence was a mistake in the transcription. Alas. Apparently her insufficient command of the Common tongue of the Alliance allowed her to be bustled into the main cathedral in Stormwind, where she summarily underwent a version of the human committment ceremony with the aforementioned owlbeast. In light of our directive to adhere to the laws of the humans as is appropriate, I did not take any action to annul this contract, but I am hereby requesting permission to do so, and that Comrade Federova is transfered elsewhere, as in addition to her gullibility this affair has shown her inability to make rational decisions in such a situation, as she has refused to exit the marriage by legal means as well. She claims that by entering into such an arrangement, she can get a better idea of the cultural habits of the denizens of this planet. I am uncertain, from the way that she interacted with her erstwhile 'husband' in my presence, that this is actually the case. If nothing else, please take Comrade Federova's safety into account. Blinded as she may be, I am not certain that she realizes that the Stormwind resident she married is... a bit off. Though she is somewhat of an annoyance, I also do not wish for outright harm to befall any citizen of the Fatherland, and I fear that continued close proximity to the owlbeast may lead to such. In particular, the dance for which these creatures are renowned has, I believe, real potential to cause lasting psychological harm through prolonged exposure. Assuming that your excellency has not moved to end this farce by then, I have instructed Comrade Federova to file a full report on her findings. I hope that such a report will speak for itself. --Maimon Ben'Moshe =May 10 = ----- Comrade Vindicator: Please find enclosed the necessary documents to prove my marriage. Also, please ignore any message Comrade Maimon sends, as he is no doubt jealous. This data drop may take several days, considering the length of the forms. Also, request quantity of vodka with which to celebrate my nuptuals. And that gel to remove lice. I think I got them from the gryphons. --Rothaa Fedorova Agent of the Hand, fourth class >>> Attachment: Form 444k >>> Attachment: Form 386c >>> Attachment: Form 1289a >>> Attachment: Form 1289b >>> Attachment: Form 1289c, paragraphs 124-289.i